Something Had to Give

My world is so loud. I am too many things to too many people and it has caught up with me.

I was sullen last Sunday as I realized my weekend was ending. I hadn't yet charged my batteries in order to face another week of caring for others. After twenty years of providing in home childcare, I have been feeling depleted and not much like I am providing ministry but simply enduring the days. I have had a heart issue for sure.

The truth is, Greg talked me out of resigning last spring. I wanted to let all my people know I would not be available this school year. He knows I love running my home and he is right. But I also want to reclaim my home for my family. As it stands, they are getting leftover attention, energy and time. My family no longer comes first. In fact they haven't for a very long time.

However, in my bible study this week I read where Hannah offered her son to the Lord as a bargain she made in the temple begging for a son. At age three, she handed her only child over at the temple gates so he could serve the Lord his entire life. Whoa. My momma heart cannot imagine. But then these words smacked me.....

Parents, like Hannah, do a tremendous service to their children when they rear them to worship and adore God and God alone. Hannah could not train Samuel to depend on her because she knew she wouldn't be there. As we witness his life, we will never see Samuel confuse God and man.

Ouch. The conviction of those words stung. And I wasn't alone. I am in bible study with three other moms and we all sat there stunned. We have somehow confused our call to motherhood as being responsible for all.the.things when in fact we are responsible for teaching our children to love God and to depend solely on Him. I have failed. My children depend exclusively on me. Many people do. 

Monday morning as I had some quiet time reading Matthew, I was distracted by this feeling things were going to come to a head and I was going to have to make some hard decisions. I had no idea that would involve a serious health scare with one of my children where God quite literally was asking me to trust him and have faith. I was shaken to my core and realized in one moment exactly what mattered to me.

I am not certain what the change will look like but I am making movements to re-prioritize. I have resigned a twenty year childcare career. As of Fall Break I will be doing something for me while still being mom, but my family will get to learn some independence. I will discover if I am still capable of speaking in complete sentences with grown-ups. I suspect the hardest part will be the inability to but said grown-ups into time-out when they are disrespectful.

I am at peace despite how uncomfortable it is for me to disappoint people. The families I have supported the last four years are friends and making those calls was difficult. Once I finished though, a weight was lifted. I feel much better this Sunday about facing the week ahead.