Neuroscience

Some weeks I balance life better than others. This was a tough one. A friend's husband is fighting for his life in an ICU three hours away. I want to hug her. Another friend has a parent in the hospital without a diagnosis, just a very sick father. Ty did not make the basketball team and whereas I think we likely dodged a very busy bullet, his heartbreak was rough. 

My work situation has been tense. I advocated for myself and it ruffled feathers. Speaking up is challenging for me but I was backed into a literal corner and had to make a change. Feelings were hurt and although my job description is better suited to me now, ongoing personality conflicts are likely the consequence. Life simply shouldn't be this complicated. But it is and will always be this side of heaven.

I know how much I need to seek light and recognize daily gifts. My Journaling for years has been reduced to simply noting the simple things for which I am grateful. The way light reflects iridescent on soap bubbles, the pink glow in the evening sky, the laughter of a baby in line at the grocery, the kindness of a stranger and more. This is what carries me in difficult moments. I read this week our brains have a negative bias and the way to retrain the brain is to document the positives. We can do this with photography, sketching, writing, or any other way that we personally connect with memories. So when I look back on this specific week, months from now,  I will see what we chose to put into our "Tell Me Something Good" jar. Hopefully by then, my work situation will feel relaxed and the way I feel in this moment won't be remembered as quite so heavy. Perhaps. I am not a Pollyanna but I am a mom who needs to chase light and love others well. My camera and journals ground me against what would be easy; wallowing in sadness. That said, there are going to be seasons where the grief is what I recall despite my best efforts otherwise. The week we lost Becky to cancer and Erin's hysterectomy was moved up by six weeks and I made a snap judgement to pull my son from a reading program because I lacked the headspace to properly address an issue. This was not a good week despite my desire to redeem it at the time. This year has been tough. I can't pretend otherwise; however, I can claim the redemption moments fully. They are the gifts that pull me through. My hope lies in having the discipline to seek joy through the hard days.

Ty spent a morning lecturing the cat about his choices and behavior for a solid three minutes. Fortunately I was in another room where my facial expressions could not be read because I promise that cat felt exactly zero guilt and I was amused. But the following day, Ty requested a nightstand for Oliver next to his bed. "Oliver likes to look out my window. I want to make it easier for him." We thrifted a nightstand Saturday. A five dollar table? That was an easy yes.

Kate brought home her child development robot baby for the weekend. Meet Arlo, the kid she named and has used to call me Abuela. Insert eye roll here. I laughed when she said she would have to pull over to the side of the road if the baby cried so she could deal with it and not lose points on her overall grade. If I had pulled over every time Erin cried in the car, we never would have made it out of our neighborhood. I thought this was supposed to be reality based. Kate loved the weekend until this evening.  The novelty has completely worn off so I took a rocking/bouncing shift while she wiped tears of frustration.

Lauren flew into Louisville Friday for a weekend in Indy celebrating Paige and her upcoming wedding. Living nine hours away, she has missed all the other events. Noah was off work on Friday so he picked her up for us. We were thrilled to get dinner with her tonight before she returns home in time for work Tuesday morning.

Erin was accepted into her first grad school program choice. She is proud of herself and of course we are pretty impressed with her too. She will be working toward her masters in health care administration. She says, "I will never financially recover from this." At over $900/credit hour, she may not but she is doing what she loves and I know she will achieve great things with that degree and her connections to global health programs. 

Homework with Ty has peaked with gnashing of teeth in biblical proportions. Whereas the child has not outright called us idiots, one could absolutely infer his sentiments based solely on eye rolls and sighs alone. Jesus may love us but the math teacher does not. We have a conference this week where I hope to not cry as we plead to end the drama. Please sir, just keep him with you if you must assign homework. We are tired and have paid our dues.