I am not brave

When I pray, I take the safe route. I ask God's will and for strength to endure. I am always braced for the worst, if I am being honest. And it has taken me years to discover about myself. I hear others boldly ask God for miracles and a voice in the back of my head rolls her eyes because babies die, people are hurt and life isn't fair. How audacious is it for me to ask anything different?

So when we discovered Kate had a tumor, I was afraid. When they promised it was benign, I exhaled but the entire time has been in her body I worried and as we anticipated final pathology, I was concerned once again.

Friday Kate had outpatient surgery to remove the tumor and I was afraid to pray. In my heart of hearts, I feared that on National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day, we would hear our world was crashing like so many other parents do. I left the praying to others and instead counted blessings and focused on anything but the heaviest part of my heart. This avoidance earning me a massive headache. Again. I suppose forty five might be the age I finally analyze why I process life the way I do.

Kate was pain free and happy immediately after surgery thanks to the numbing medication used at the surgical site. However, at bedtime that wore off and the carefree Kate who actually requested a trip to Target as soon as we were home from the hospital (request denied) had a rough night. But in typical Kate fashion, she woke no one and endured quietly. Just before five Saturday morning, I checked on her and spent the next few hours sitting in her bed with tea watching Friends and waiting on medicine to kick in.

She grew increasingly more antsy as she was eager to resume life as normal so she planned to return to school today. By the time she was ready to go, it was clear she actually wasn't so we took another day to recover. Running a few errands gave us a glimpse into how she would navigate middle school hallways and a full schedule. She seems like she might be prepared to return tomorrow since the surgery was much less invasive than originally anticipated. And today, we got the final call. Pathology confirmed the tumor was in fact benign. We are grateful.