Parenting

armed and dangerous

My friend called for some advice concerning her obstinate three year old. She has repeatedly requested I write a book which amuses me. All three year old children have the power to reduce the strongest of mommas to tears at times. They are a force to be reckoned with and I don't presume to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination but have had some experience in this particular department so I gave the usual sales pitch. Three year old people need to feel they are in control of their world. Have you ever taken a preschooler to the creek and allowed them to throw rocks? They can do it for hours, mesmerized by the power to make a splash. I assure you they want to make a splash in all circumstances and your reaction to his behavior is a splash. First, give him as much control as possible. Rather than command, "put on your shoes". Ask him which pair he would like to wear and then accept the cowboy boots with shorts as an expression of his individuality. Let go of as much control as you can. He is learning to make choices and live with the consequences of those choices. His feet may hurt if he doesn't wear the gym shoes, but he had the power to choose and that is developmentally more important in the long run. We don't want teens who simply do as they are told and fail think for themselves. We don't want adults who lack the ability to make choices and accept consequences. It is hard work growing people and patience is required.

More so than offering choices, give warnings when you need to change activities. Consider how you would feel if someone walked up and abruptly turned off your computer while you read this. You'd be irritated. How is a three year old supposed to handle you swooping him off his feet while he stacks blocks because you have determined it to be bath time?

Remain as emotionally neutral as possible when you are forced to correct behavior. Obviously we don't hit our sister but screaming that we don't hit is not necessarily sending the same message a calm mother sends as she firmly reminds him and removes him from the scene. Besides, you are teaching him how to say no. That is an important skill in and of itself. Finally, take lots of deep breaths and spend time with him simply playing. He is growing, learning and gaining independence. He's working hard and tired too.

I said all of these things while hiding in my garage so my friend would not hear my nine and four year old children screaming at each other over a stuffed animal. What should I title that particular chapter? And is nap time long enough to write such a chapter?