A year without Jen

Jen,

It's been almost a year since I last kissed your cheek and told you I love you in person. Over the course of that year, I have run through a plethora of emotions and feelings about that good-bye. It wasn't fair, it wasn't enough and I am still angry for you. Your health and the choices made on your behalf were anything but reasonable. You suffered immeasurably those final months and did so with grace. Sitting bedside each visit, coaxing you to eat or wake long enough to share a story or two was near impossible toward the end. You deserved so much better than you were dealt and I have wrestled more with God over your life story than all 44 years of my own.

I lift Shelby in prayer often and marvel at each post she shares. She is simply beautiful inside and out, just like her mother. I recently enjoyed a few texts with your sister about grand babies and the joy we are finding in life despite the raw moments we all still experience. If you hadn't been so damn wonderful, perhaps your village wouldn't still be in pain and maybe the void wouldn't be too large to fill.

I miss you, Jen. I miss you so much. We were always real with each other; celebrating our kids one minute and lamenting the latest angst the next. I miss your perspective because whereas we didn't always agree, we respected and loved each other. There aren't too many people with the capacity to love like you and I count it a privilege to have been your friend; even if only for a short ten years. I hope I was a good friend to you too; you deserved the best.

Facebook time hop frequently reminds me of you; with all our comments and banter over the years. Often those memories are unexpected and painful for me while others make me laugh fully. You, my dear friend were special. So in the coming days I anticipate being reminded of the day we lost you. I dread it so I am just letting you know now how much you meant to me because I am not sure I am brave enough to face everyone else's pain. Your fan club is still quite vast and wounds are slowly healing but all of us are better people for having known you.

Rest easy sweet friend.