Again With Job

My poor bible study partner has had to deal with my continuous wrestling over the book of Job repeatedly for the last few years. Somehow, no matter what we are studying at the time, Job makes an appearance. I am certain she is groaning at the moment because we are in week one of a new study and there he is, just waiting for me to lament the game God is allowing Satan to play with Job's life. On the one hand God obviously wants me to accept this book as a fitting piece of His character but poor Lana is ready to smack me.

So today I read the author's brief overview of Job and then she asked what moments in my life were Job moments that made me question my faith. And I froze. The truth is, I haven't had my faith challenged in trials and if you've known me very long at all, you know I have walked through some difficult seasons. Throughout Greg's accident and recovery, the loss of our infant son, miscarriages and the craziness of our rich and full life in general, God has allowed me to see the good. None of this comes from any holier than though pedestal. I have wrestled, pleaded, cried, yelled and shut down on God over the years. Like my whiny children, I have repeated "but why" too many times. But God has used all the challenges in my life to grow me. My faith is stronger as result of those seasons.

Here's the rub. Where I struggle with the book of Job is the arbitrary cruelness. Take Job.....do whatever you want". And Job suffers. There were no character lessons, there was no potter working clay involved. This was Satan hurting Job for nothing more than God saying in the end, "I win". Obviously I am expressing my own opinion in this and that too is something God is still working on with me but the point is this; I wrestle more with God on behalf of others. When I watched a friend fight for her life this year and then leave behind a daughter, I questioned why. When the kids lost a great friend suddenly, I struggled. When we learned a child we adore has been abused, I again cried, "why?".

Where I can see God growing me is when it comes to the pain and trials of others. Empathy, they say is a spiritual gift but it isn't an easy one to navigate. I feel other's hurts deeply. I need to trust His will still is perfect despite how broken I feel. If God can turn my most broken moments into faith growing, He is doing that in the circumstances of those hurting around me.

Without sharing details, we are in a season now where I feel completely out of control despite my will to dot I's and cross T's. I have complete faith we are in this situation for a reason and our hearts are fully committed. Our brains are still wanting details settled, plans made and nice tidy bow on top would be glorious. This is where God laughs.

As I wrestled with those details on a walk Tuesday evening, I fell. As I laid face down on the asphalt, I caught my breath, assessed whether or not I could get up and then laughed a little, "this is ridiculous". And it is because it never should have come to this. God said, "enough". So I cannot prepare food, drive, scrub the house (the control freak in me does not see this as the blessing most would) because as my charming husband advertises, my left hand is developmentally delayed.  I am now waiting week to week to watch alignment in my broken wrist, still hoping to avoid surgery. I don't get to control much except my response. Okay God, I am listening and I trust you.

I hope to have tea with Job in heaven. Maybe he can quiet my heart since I have struggled so much on his behalf. Until then, I trust God has a purpose for me to keep encountering this same book.