9 Years Later

 

Dear M,
I pray for you. Often. I love you. I struggle with you even though it's been years since our paths last crossed. You gave me a beautiful gift after choosing me to be your son's forever mom. You chose me. You said God chose me and I think He did too. You made choices though that were detrimental to our relationship. You lied to me even though we were friends.

 Your family was always welcome in my home so I have scrapbooks full of photos of our children growing up together; your beautiful children. I look into their eyes and wonder what their world looks like now and what it was really like then. When you told me my son was going to be born early as result of your drug abuse, I was first concerned for you. You never let on that drugs were a part of your life and yet, my sweet Ryan was going to be born way too early, malnourished and drug addicted. I prayed with you and forgave you. I begged you to get clean for those other children I also loved. They needed their mom. Do you remember that conversation? Your doctors were present. They pleaded with you to tell me the truth, the truth that changed too many times in the next week and a half. To this day, I can take anything but being lied to. No matter how hard the truth, I want to hear it. I have heard hard truth. Truth that my precious baby was going to die as a result of your choices. Truth that my relationship with his birth mom was based exclusively on lies.

I had nine amazing, busy days with Ryan. I treasure those memories. He was tough, determined and feisty. He had a lot of your personality. As his birthday approaches each year, I struggle but it has gotten easier as the years have passed. It still hurts, just not as severely.

 

 

 

I no longer get as angry when demands of the season can't be quieted. I spent years trying to make people see the reason for this season is to stop and reflect on the amazing sacrifice made on our behalf by a precious baby and yet, in reality, Christmas traditions were going to be celebrated that year despite a helpless baby in the hospital.

 As his forever mom, it is my responsibility to make sure he's never forgotten. I note his birthday every year with our family, retelling his story and reiterating how our decisions effect others. None of this is done in anger toward you, but we do talk about you. We talk about your drug usage during your teen years and how drugs forever changed who you would become. We talk about the damage drugs have done to you and your family. We discuss how to love you even though you hurt us. I naively desired a happy ending during those days immediately following his death. I wanted you to be healthy and clean. I needed your children to grow up in a loving home with you as their mom. Now, I simply pray my teens will stay sober because they've learned a painful lesson about choices and consequences. As much as I wish I could have shielded them, I do believe God can and will continue to use Ryan's life to make a difference in theirs. Perhaps he already has.

 

 

 I just wish we could have had the happy ending and I was sending you birthday photos, like we agreed. I am afraid our celebrations would pain you more than me. I would never do that to you. I pray you've found the strength to forgive yourself. I fear you have not. I know you still fight the demons and the drugs. I want you to win this battle. I pray for peace over you. In closing, I want you to know I will be happy this Christmas. I plan to allow God's healing over the brokenness my heart feels every year as I balance celebrations and memories. I hope you can too. In His Love, Sherri