I had the incredible opportunity to leave my family and my cell phone at home for over four hours last night! I enjoyed the company of two friends immensely. We had real conversations about our struggles and our personal journey; all of admitting shortcomings and areas we need to work on. It was just so refreshing to be held accountable for my Christian walk, how I care for my family and once again have pointed out that I must make taking care of myself a priority. All things I knew, but just needed to hear from loving friends. I am blessed to have made such rich friendships in what I still consider our new town, even after five and a half years. It just isn't home. It probably never will be for me but it is where I make a home for the people I love.
While at dinner, I shared an analogy I stumbled upon recently as a way to describe living with Psoriatic Arthritis. I don't like to admit that I need to slow down occasionally and that I do have limitations because I am a mom (a stubborn, OCD, uptight perfectionist mom) who appears to be lacking her super hero cape. The article describes a lady being asked about living with Lupus, another chronic illness and how it effects her daily life. She handed her friend a stack of spoons and said, "these are your spoons for the day, use them wisely". Getting out of bed will cost you a spoon as you are not able to just step out of bed like everyone else. Your body is stiff and in pain and so it will take a toll . Showering costs another spoon as does getting dressed if it is a day with additional pain and stiffness. Simple actions like cooking, cleaning and running errands cost spoons...you have to plan and prioritize because you only have a limited number to work with, of course if you don't end up with a flare that depletes them all without warning. So, I don't stay up as late, participate in playgroups or run for every extra curricular activity because I am limited and those items no longer make the priority list. There aren't enough spoons. It was also a great reminder that I need to prioritize my personal health so that I have the energy and enough spoons to care for my family and the children entrusted to my care.
That reminder was timely as I woke up today with my second flare in eight days. I am pretty disappointed as my family is all in route for a New Year's/Family Christmas celebration. I'd love to host a "Martha Stewart" level experience for everyone but I am not able. Even basic preparations went down the drain with my energy today. Frustration levels were mounting as my pain levels climbed and I started snapping at my family. I surrendered to the computer and a break. I need it and no one wants the perfect presentation at the expense of stressful and strained relationships. So I am starting my 2012 New Year's resolution with these promises to myself.....I will learn to accept limitations, lean on God for my needs, allow myself the care I need and continue to grow in my relationship with Christ, Greg and each of my children.
Reflecting on my gratitude journal (1000 Gifts) makes me so much more aware of the amazing blessings God's given me...here are a few of my favorites from the last few weeks......
29. first snow flakes
33. kindness of a stranger
36. reminder that God makes something beautiful out of my broken pieces
42. strength of my daughter
61. open windows in December!
77. restoration
80. a massage
99. pure joy in Lauren's face while watching Ty play
103. true friends
106. my marriage
I have struggled in finding the balance of what I deserve and what I owe. God has blessed me and I live among the richest in the world. It is so easy to say "I deserve" when in reality, I don't. Where is that line of filling my cup so I can give more and excess? I suppose the short response is that I need enough. I have enough.
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