Coming off the Mountain

Tonight’s sermon was one of those that made me think about the message long after it was over. I have found myself praying about it, thinking about the implications, talking to God, seeking forgiveness in a new way and wanting to share it. Travis spoke about Jesus up on the mountain for 40 days, fasting and being tempted by Satan. He followed God up the mountain…..the trek up any mountain would have been tough, but once He was up there, the view would have been beautiful. All would seem perfect. Life would be easy. Then He fasted and prayed. He was hungry and weak as the 40 days progressed. He had the option to turn the rocks into bread as Satan taunted Him to do. He could have made the story about what he could do but he instead allowed it to be about God. He could have done anything He wanted but He was on that mountain for a reason. He was preparing to go back down the mountain and into the valley. Jesus knew that He was facing the deepest valley ever. He was going to die for the sins of all mankind. He KNEW what pain and suffering were in that valley and yet, He made the even more treacherous hike back down that mountain. The journey ahead was going to hurt and He knew it. He could have just gone down the mountain and kept the temptation and fasting to himself but in keeping that part of the journey quiet, he would have kept God’s grace out of the valley. You see, God needs to be at work in the valley because that is where we suffer and that is where we hurt. That is where children die, marriages fail, good people suffer and everyone experiences loss. God has to be there….the world seems clean and perfect on the mountain because we can’t see the pain in the valley from up there. With God, there is victory and hope. There is healing and rejoicing. With God, we are not alone in our suffering. If Jesus had not shared that He was tempted or that He drew strength from God alone then the victory wouldn’t have impacted us the way it does. We all have a testimony of God’s strength and if we keep it to ourselves, we prevent others from knowing God’s character. Most often, we learn much more about God in the valley because that is where we are weakest…..that is where we are raw. God can work through us more effectively when we are not strong enough to make the journey alone. On the mountain, most of us are feeling good….life is going well and the view is beautiful. Satan does tempt us into believing we can do it all ourselves. The reality is that we will be heading back down that mountain and into the valley at some point. As Christians we know that we will suffer and experience pain….why shouldn’t we? Jesus suffered more than most can imagine and did so with perfect grace and humility.

Now this is where I am being convicted. God has carried me through some extremely painful times. I know God was there. I drew strength from Him. He taught me about His character and equipped me to grow in those circumstances. The journey was painful, to say the least. Sadly though, that is where I stopped growing. You see, I know the journey with God is painful and the valley is where we spend our walk with God because that is where God is at work in the world. I don’t want to come off the mountain. I don’t want to walk in the valley. I want to be on the mountain believing the illusion that all is perfect and I am capable of making my life work as I see fit. I have kept a wall up between God and me so that He can only get “so close”…I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I have avoided following God into the work He’s doing because it can and possibly will hurt. I know God is preparing me on the mountain top for the journey back down the mountain and into the valley and I’m afraid. Not that I don’t believe or trust that God will be there with me. I know He will equip me for anything His plan has for me but I also know the pain of the aftermath that can follow working for Him. But I am sinfully selfish and prideful for believing my life is my own when I have in fact, committed my life to following God. I have promised to spend time with Him, loving Him and worshipping Him. The truth is, I put my husband and my children and even my own selfish desires ahead of Him and He knows it. I grew bitter from some of the experiences I’ve had with God. That is me allowing Satan a foot hold that says that I shouldn’t have had to be in pain because I was following God’s plan. Really? What did Jesus suffer through for God’s plan for me and all of mankind? As a serious control freak, the idea of letting go and letting God lead my life is frightening beyond words but I know without exception that it is exactly what God expects from me. I give my faith a lip service only if I try to control the reigns as I tell others of my journey as though I’ve done enough for God and He should leave me alone now. After all, I followed God to a place that had me holding my adoptive son in my arms as he died. I would not have chosen to be there. It hurt too much. God lead me there and carried me through that time but I hurt so badly afterward that I told God….look, that’s all I got for you. Isn’t that enough? I can just hear God mentioning the suffering of His son for me…..no, it isn’t enough. I cannot DO enough. It is through God’s grace that I am saved. Anything I do for God is me living for Him rather than selfishly living for me and my desires. That is sin. Simple and straight forward. I have lived selfishly for myself since that day I rocked my precious son. That is where I left my heart and the sad thing is, so few even know that God was the leader of the journey that let me be the blessed mother to a tiny, perfect boy that otherwise would not have known a mother’s love and touch. God took me there and chose me to be Ryan’s mom. I was blessed even in my suffering. God carried me and He made sure I knew it but, it was there that I left my testimony. It was private….or was it? If I had shared the journey, would I have been glorified or would God? I have struggled with that a lot over the last 5 ½ years. At times, I want everyone to know about my son. Other times I think that no one can grasp the impact of his life on mine therefore it is best left unsaid. But is that making it about me again?

I need to come off the mountain. I need God to lead my life. He does so without my permission but it is best I follow with a willing heart and love for Him rather than the kicking and screaming that has lead me to where I am tonight. I am broken, but forgiven. I am sad that I have not allowed God to use me for the last 5 ½ years but looking forward to seeing where He leads me tomorrow. I want the love relationship that He seeks to have with me. I want Him first in my life. I know pain is part of any life in this broken world, but I want to be alongside God when my journey includes suffering. I cannot do it without Him. I have tried and can fake it with the best of them but reality is that I am not worthy of the love He so willing gives me. I am blessed beyond measure and that has me kept me holding onto all I have that much more strongly. I don’t want to let go of any of it. Life is good and I am blessed but, I am blessed to know and love the Lord with or without the many blessings that are additional in my life. The reality is that it can all be taken away without warning and I will be left with God…..if I am not willing to step off that mountain with God, where will I be when life happens?