I surrender.

My friend Jennifer gave Kate an old day planner last weekend. She carries it with her everywhere. She has a special pen she uses to keep her notes and takes her planning very seriously.  Jennifer says all busy little girls need a planner. After our walk the other morning, Kate wrote, "Kate and Ty had an adventure" on one of the pages. Sometimes a family walk probably does appear to be an adventure!

I have local friends with little ones who have commented that I seem to always have it together. "Seem" would be the operative word here. My life has been a mess lately. The kind of mess I think of when I see snow globes. There is a stationary object fastened to the base while someone shakes the heck out of the world around it just to see where the debris floating around said object will land. I'd like someone to stop shaking my world please. From where I am sitting today, the day-to-day parenting of little ones is exhausting work. Staying on top of behavior, monitoring attitudes, teaching, correcting, cleaning up after the little destroyers and spending quality time all take concentrated effort. By the time you reach the teen years, or even pre-teen overall, the day-to-day, hands-on portion of mothering subsides. It's not that I am no longer involved, but because of the hard work put into the early years, for the most part, I can sit back and observe behaviors, guide through conversations and allow the girls to live out the principles established in their lives. But when a teenager makes a poor choice, the job of Mom is tough. It is difficult to wade through boundaries, respectful discussions, discipline, consequences, and facing today's decisions with the knowledge that you have such a short window to make a difference. They are more independent and all too quickly emerging into an age of total independence. Put a toddler boy with temper in the same house with hormonal teenage girls and let me assure you that I am anything but "together".

I just wrapped up a bible study with a group of local mothers that challenged me in some of my beliefs. I tend to think I can handle it all. I am quick to lean on God when the big stuff comes down the pike, but the daily grind is something I rarely turn over to anyone, much less God. The last week and a half or so would be strong indicators that God really does want me to turn all of my days over to Him. He is also teaching me that I put my kids above my relationship with Him. This is a tough one for me. My kids really are my life and that is a frightening reality. I watched a neighbor lose her life to cancer two years ago and leave behind two young children. She fought death hard. She was angry and I could easily relate to what she was going through. My kids need me. I need my kids. God has a plan for those kids, just as God has a plan for my kids but imagining a life for them that doesn't include me is something in which I cannot fathom.
I was raised by a strong feminist who taught me that I need to handle my own issues, take matters into my own hands. My new life as a Christian is teaching me that I need to let go and allow God to steer. It's a struggle I constantly try to balance. In my life that struggle manifests itself in my perfectionist tendencies. If my house appears perfectly organized, school is marked off as complete each day, the kids have clothes on that not only match but are clean, laundry doesn't pile up, etc.....then surely I have it all together. Reality is that God is not looking for perfect people, He is looking for surrendered people. My messes don't surprise Him and for all that I have out there looking spotless, I have the messes in my heart and thought life. I stew and worry and fret. Those are not traits given to me by my Heavenly Father. He does allow me to get overwhelmed so that I come back to Him for healing and strength. By myself, I cannot do what needs to be done. By myself, things are a mess. By myself, the snow globe is still being shaken and as much as I crave the calm settling of the debris, life on earth is a journey and I hope to grow in the process. Today, God was who I met first, and then my kids. Tonight's journal entry will read, "Had an adventure with my family. I am blessed".