Nineteen

"Mary treasured these things and pondered them in her heart" Luke 2:19

I've been toying with this verse a lot this season. What mother cannot relate? In all of motherhood, from the birth of our baby to each trial they overcome or success they achieve, we feel deeply as though part of our hearts have the audacity to walk around outside our bodies. We keep these sweet memories tucked away and they often surface in moments unexpected. 

This week held Ryan's nineteenth birthday. I'm okay, just remembering the way he felt in my arms and his perfect little grip around Greg's pinky. At just shy of two pounds, he had no idea he was not in charge; therefore, would have fit in perfectly around here. 

Historically, our what ifs were born of sadness but we've crossed the threshold. It wasn't supposed to be. I trust God prevented our son a lifetime of pain. His death was mercy, even if it broke me. 

We've seen Lauren, Taylor and Austin for the last time in person until June 2024 when we fly to Hawaii to visit them. The hand life has dealt them lately has been bumpy at best. Lauren stayed near a friend in an extremely difficult position while she simultaneously managed a move, Christmas prep and a young sister in-law in serious condition this week. She also delivered a friend's baby in her car! She says she may have found her calling, minus the whole mess in the car part. She is a rock star.

Erin leaves for Africa at four in the morning on Christmas Day. We get to keep her cat. Sigh. Whereas we are incredibly proud of our kids, watching them soar is not without some trepidation. They are making their way in this crazy world. Without us. The nerve. 

Mary, the mother of our savior knew all too well the pain of watching her child serve a larger purpose. Thank God, literally, for His peace. 

Greg and I enjoyed a delightful night out with friends. This absolutely beat running errands and calling it a date. Chris and Kristin drove down to spend the night with us before we all boarded a dinner train in Bardstown, Kentucky. The two and a half hour meal was comfortable and delicious. The company was pretty sweet too.

Ty made pizelles for his girlfriend and I swiped several for coworkers. This is his favorite Christmas tradition and no one is mad about it. 

His life is so hard. Despite offering a variety of toys, no one played with him.

Erin brought Ada over to prepare her for the upcoming long stay. Diesel is really upset Ada doesn't want to play with him. 

Our hilarious grandson was counting days until Christmas on the calendar while video chatting with us. Once he was finished, he turned the page and commented, "then we all go to heaven because there are no more days." Bewildered, Lauren assured him it just meant they got a new calendar. I roared. Anyone else remember Y2K?

Our annual Christmas Light Scavenger Hunt challenge was canceled when the weather changed dramatically. We still video chatted with our friends while sipping hot cocoa. We may take our list out Christmas night since the day will be super low key here. But seriously, this cold front is anything but welcome. 

We spent the day without power (heat!) and battling a flare. It's been so long since I last had one, I believed at first I was getting the flu. I guess the upside is our Christmas Eve gathering doesn't have to be canceled. But for the love, it was a brutal day. 

Balance

These sweet babies were serving me tea and cake during church Sunday. We'd just met and I officially adore them 

The week was rough. Unbeknownst to me, I was in the throws of a reaction to an antibiotic. My heart raced, my hands shook and my mind swirled for days before it occurred to me what was new in my routine. The rash that later appeared solidified my suspicion. Put that on top of sugar coated children bouncing off the walls and an emergency in my son-in-law's family meant we juggled chaos and big feelings most of the week. 

But the family situation brought my girl home for a few days and the energy our grandson brings with her is absolute light. He holds my heart firmly in his hands. He knows this. 

He also brought his elf, to the delight of Kate who has always desired one of her very own. Her mom is terrible. But she had a blast setting up scenes for Buddy. Austin was amused when Mimi pretended to be afraid of the elf that stalked him across multiple state lines.

This is what high quality writing looks like, according to the child who had two weeks to write two essays. He chose the morning of the due date to write them both. I'm going to need to spike that tea before we get the heck out of middle school.

Ty scored a day out of school for a mid day CT scan of his wrist. Our bridge is closed and it's causing double commutes for anyone needing to be in Louisville. Add the inability to eat before the scan, and it was just best for everyone to give us both the day off. But holy traffic jams, Batman. This season is a mess without cutting off a main highway. He weathered the day fairly well but when he lamented the free sample of chicken broth at Costco, I knew he was fading fast! We get his results next week during a follow up with the surgeon.

A friend's son performed in White Christmas at our local dinner theater so we skipped traditional Bible study for a field trip Tuesday. We were out way past my bedtime but it was absolutely worthwhile. I love these women. 

Kenna needed a shirt for an ugly Christmas sweater contest. She allowed her students to create this original work of art. She left "ugly" out of her description when proposing it to her favorite four year olds. One of them insisted she call me for my reaction. Of course, I was blown away by the talent. Miss Makenna is a pretty sweet teacher.

A set of twins in kindergarten gave me an ornament and body wash from Bath and Body this week. The next day, one of them was sniffing up and down my arm. When questioned he declared he needed to know if I'd used my new soap yet. Busted. Count on five year olds to call you out. Every time. 

We met the Baughmans half way to Dayton last Saturday and called it Christmas. I'm grateful for the simplicity after so many years of hoop jumping to make someone else's vision come true. This is Kate with Brad's oldest, Lizzie. This was also the only picture taken. Sigh.

Thursday evening, Ty surprised his girlfriend by showing up at her basketball game. They barely spoke, avoided eye contact and were as awkward as one would expect in a seventh grade relationship. It made me smile. 

This guy keeps swiping candy canes off the tree. He thinks he needs minty breath.

Tonight, Taylor joined us for dinner. I'm grateful he views our home as a reprieve from the hospital and stress associated with his family situation right now. He really does feel like a son to us. Lauren, in lamenting the need to be both at home managing the move and here to support Taylor confessed she needs to control just one thing. I laughed, "I'm really sorry you inherited that from your dad." (Insert sarcastic smirk here.)

Kids and Anxiety

Six dollar clearance bouquets are some of my happiest finds.

I began asking students about their favorite Christmas traditions this week. The best answer was a child sharing her family spends the season making paper chains and origami ornaments. They do this in the evenings all month long, every year and I absolutely love it. Then I asked Ty. He loves making pizelles and buying gifts for those in need. Rarely, but sometimes none the less, he lets me see his heart. 

Kate and I attended her high school's Winter Fantasia Tuesday. It was a musical collaboration of almost 400 students. The talent was extraordinary and it was beyond time to see the program back in the auditorium after two years off due to covid restrictions. 

Our group texts are often full of ridiculousness. I love this season with my girls. They make me laugh, stress me out and leave me in awe. I'm definitely the lucky one. 

A friend needed a last minute sitter due to an emergency Monday. Diesel loved Scarlette and could not believe it when she stopped playing with him to build a train track. His pouts are legendary. I hope she returns soon to keep him entertained. Because by Thursday night, the tantrums were no longer endearing and Kate's boyfriend has a chewed up boot as evidence of his opinion about sharing attention. This dog. I think we are making great strides and then he creates expensive chaos. 

Wednesday evening I video chatted with my parents to lead my dad through a computer glitch and my mom laughed as Diesel stared me down at 5:02. His dinner is served at 5pm and I was sitting down. I laughed and continued my conversation. He then used his entire body to repeatedly bump the side of my chair to get me up. It's simply amazing how well he knows certain routines but can't seem to remember he isn't allowed to eat the cat food or get things off desks in the kid's rooms. Get a dog we said. We miss this we said. 

You know you work in an elementary school when....

Despite the silly accessories and adorable stories at work this week, I found myself working through a panic attack for two solid days. It was the first time I woke in the night with one. This was only my fourth ever and it was difficult to push through. My dream life leading up to it was turbulent so I know my subconscious is processing several significant experiences. I share this here because I am a believer and I have literally left my conscience worries at the foot of the cross; however, just because I am actively pursuing the peace of Christ, doesn't mean I'm immune to being human in a broken world. We recently heard bits of a sermon and later a prayer indicating anxiety is sinful and I spent weeks studying the topic with my Bible. I've landed firmly on the side of calling it false. This empathetic heart of mine loves and feels deeply for others. I was made this way and called to serve out of empathy. Those promptings, although often heartbreaking, are how God shows me who needs support. And sometimes the grief that comes with the caring for others hits hard. If waking unable to breathe is a sin, then God forgive me. But it simply doesn't fit the character of Christ. He allows us to cast our cares upon him but doesn't condemn us for feelings and concerns that linger.

Kenna calls this student her Honeybadger

Her shirt had the same image as the Grinch book. Her students were underwhelmed.

Kennedy visited the class for the Grinchmas Party and posted this on Instagram. Hilarious.

And wrapping on a more fun note, our ornery grandson giggles daily about the shenanigans of his elf, Buddy. This morning, Buddy was sticking out of a stocking and Austin analyzed the situation briefly before turning on the fireplace. Lauren demanded an explanation. Austin wanted to see Buddy move. He figured the heat would motivate him. Whereas his decision has some dangerous implications, I can't help but be impressed with his logic. 

Life

Austin woke at 4am Saturday vomiting and burning with fever. His daddy went down within hours too so they hit the road a day early. It was a good call. By Sunday, both Taylor and Austin needed medical care for the flu. Austin was still feverish as of yesterday. 

We pulled ourselves together to say goodbye without emotions and I held my tears in until Austin cried to stay at Mimi's. The next three years are going to be tough.

There were pillows on this couch.

This bed was made when we went to sleep. Diesel has decided the guest bed is his. 

We saw significant improvement in Diesel the last few weeks. He is showing more self control and has even been left unattended at night. He leaves us signs of his whereabouts but does not damage anything in the process. We are celebrating the milestones, despite how slowly they are emerging.

This week was the toughest of Greg's career.  The details aren't mine to share but the circumstances hit him hard. His good friend, who is also a safety director was able to stand in the gap and made plans with me to get Greg out for a night of dinner, relaxing and laughter Friday. I'm grateful for the friends who step in during rough weeks.

I was pretty surprised by some fun mail this week. Kate, in typical style, shrugged. She knew she was the student of the month. She failed to mention it.

She's found ice skating and Christmas light viewing buddies.