Columbus, Indiana

The kids and I joined Greg on Friday for his daily commute. Leaving the house at 6 am was easier than getting them up at 6:30 on school days because we had a day of fun planned. No one was surprised. Breakfast and then cocoa kicked off our day together once we dropped Daddy off at work. We then explored the kids' museum and play place before picking up some "needed" Cummins gear. We had lunch at the old fashioned ice cream place and explored an awesome local bookstore before heading back to get Greg from work.

To say that we enjoy this city would be an understatement but discussions about making it our next home left Kate a little worried. Whereas she likes visiting, she isn't ready to make a change. Realistically, the hour and fifteen minute drive each way isn't something Greg sees himself committed to for years on end either. We have promised to evaluate again in the spring. 

Reindeer Food Party

Our annual reindeer food party was a success. Levi and Trevor brought their older siblings to spend the day with us so we knocked a few items off Kate's Christmas to do list. We made Reindeer food and iced sugar cookies. Levi was quite the helper today and loved his assigned "Elf duties".

Scavenger Hunt

Today was hard. Really hard. I was awake a lot of the night and ultimately gave up before 6 and got out of bed, already fighting a tension headache. I exhausted all my self care options and still couldn't shake the saddness that overwhelmed me. Two hours later, Ty woke ready to conquer the day. He requested a cheese omelette for breakfast and then complimented the one I made him as perfect but "doesn't smell like wet dog". Um thank you? He is unique.

Three of us had eye exams today. The new assistant asked Ty how many times a day someone compliments his beautiful eyes. He sighed deeply and moaned, "it happens every day". He is as humble as his father and equally as amusing.

Ty concocted a plan for our scavenger hunt tonight. This year, instead of filling several long nights driving around seeking every last item on the list as a way to pass time while Daddy works, we challenged friends to join us for a one hour dash to locate as many items as possible. We were excited to have our local friends join us as well as friends in Texas. Ty really wanted a victory and bragging rights. He thought we should buy all the items on the list, set them up in our yard, take photos and then put all the decorations into the attic so we could win. Nothing says Merry Christmas like cheating on a scavenger hunt! By the way, our Texas friends won the hunt and did so in 78 degree weather too! The highlight was FaceTime with them afterward.

 The day was long but the end was as sweet as the hot cocoa we enjoyed with friends.

14

When contemplating this year's birthday celebration, I needed something that felt more personal. Instead of our traditional full family balloon launch and dinner as a group, I chose a permanent balloon to keep close to my heart. Ryan would be fourteen this year and the reality of that many years separating me from the short time I was able to spend with him doesn't feel possible; the memories still vivid. Whereas I have moved forward in life, it isn't without those raw moments floating just under the surface at times.

The years like this one where I am settled in the weeks leading to this date, feel intense and brutal when the calendar lands on December 20. Years where the birthdate is something I dread for weeks leading up to his day, leave me almost relieved when it finally arrives. Either way, my heart hurts in this season every year.

This year is challenging in a different way as I have fully reconnected with Ryan's birth mom. We are friends so I feel the burden to protect her as much as I can from my emotions and the bitterness some family members still hold in their hearts. I cannot direct that anger toward the broken woman who has been clean for years and struggles to find the strength to forgive herself. The anger instead is focused on the loss itself and the way she was manipulated as a young girl into the drug scene in the first place. The drugs and a lot of unhealthy people created the storm that ended with me rocking my son to sleep and assuring him it was time to let go. To this day, that moment has been the hardest of my life but he deserved peace. I loved him enough to want his suffering to end even though it meant losing a part of my heart in the process.

So on this birthday, fourteen years later I hope my friendship with his birth mom is something he would be honored by. I pray my reluctant family members find peace and ultimately also forgive fully. This remembering someone who was only allowed nine painful days on earth is difficult in the best of circumstances but in true Baughman style, we have complicated it further but I have to remain true to the promise I made Ryan and God in those grief stricken early days. My prayer is to see my son again in heaven healed, whole and reunited with ALL of us who loved him.

Rest easy sweet boy. I love you forever.

The Christmas List

 We knocked a few items off Kate's Christmas "to do" list this weekend. Countdown chains, hot cocoa by the fire with Christmas music playing and some baking. Erin came to help which cut down the time investment considerably. Next up? Reindeer food bar and decorating cookies with a scavenger hunt competition against friends seeking specific Christmas lights. Christmas is coming and we are ready. Even Layla got in on the action as the only family member who said hello to Santa this year, even if a little white lie about being good was involved.  Our eight year old is seriously analyzing the jolly old elf and isn't convinced he isn't being duped but still holds onto a memory he has of seeing Santa by our stockings. The magic of the season has held longer in our home than most.....with fourteen years between Erin and Ty but the idea we are hanging on by a thread breaks my heart a little.

Not on the festive list, but fun sibling togetherness they created a massive tent for a Friday night sleepover. And on Saturday night we found ourselves home alone with Ty. He cracks us up with his on-going banter about all things Star Wars and views about life in general.

He says he isn't getting married because kissing is gross but still wants to adopt babies.

2017 Christmas Card

Outakes:

I had firmly decided we weren't going to make a card when Anne came over for a cup of tea and shared this idea. A few hours later, I had text the girls and asked for their opinions. It was unanimous. The card would be made. It needs to be noted all the children cooperated for these images. 

In his defense, I didn't ask his opinion.

Baughman Christmas

We made a quick road trip to celebrate Christmas with the Baughmans today. As usual, everyone was spoiled and eventually made their way outside to play on motor bikes and tractors. Simple gatherings are the best, especially with our growing family.