February

It was pretty until it wasn't. 

I made homemade dinner rolls for Soup Sunday. The scent of fresh baked bread throughout the house and then the delight of everyone oohing and ahhing over the texture made the two hour investment quite worthwhile.

Management handed out boxes for us to decorate and then exchange Valentines. It was a cute morale boost.

I spent January training my new counterpart at work and she thanked me with a sweet note, candle and gift card. I decided to use consumables in the decorative bowl around the candle and neither Greg nor Ty had any complaints about the Valentine "decor."

• I was able to thoroughly enjoy a few sixty degree days off in the sunshine this month. The energy and restoration of my spirit unmatched by any other source. It's amazing how much I respond to fresh air and sunlight. Greg and I walked, ran to Kate's to wish a cute little guy a happy birthday and also held down my porch swing for hours with books. I am beyond grateful for the days. 

• I've been thinking a lot about how I hold the tension of recognizing the pain of circumstances while also finding joy in micro interactions. I can both grieve for the world but also laugh with a patient. My boss recently acknowledged she was noticing the small things and thanking God for them too. A box of chocolate covered raisins from her daughter didn't diminish the cancer diagnosis in her family but it still made her smile. I call it chasing light. I hope I never lose the ability to do this. I've worked hard to become the person who still seeks joy when my world is falling apart around me. And it's pretty cool to see the art of noticing can also be contagious. I was encouraged by the conversation. 

• Twelve hours after taking this shot, I had a sore throat. Within hours, fatigue and chills followed. I went down hard. Urgent Care has nothing on elementary school. Germs are the only things kids share well. One would think my immune system could handle it. One would be wrong. I was knocked down for over a week with Flu A. But before the flu, I got to spend an afternoon with some rowdy third graders and my favorite teacher. She asked me to bring my camera for the yearbook. The kids were so much fun jumping in front of my lens with their buddies and silly poses. This little guy only wanted one picture though. He wanted it with Miss Baughman. I loved the energy and opportunity to hang out with a room full of kids again. 

• Greg felt a strong need to see his parents in my final days of flu recovery. I was no longer contagious but still wiped out so he took Ty for the road trip. They no sooner arrived than his mom fell and broke her hip. The dread as reality of the situation settled was a blow. Erin drove me to Dayton to pick up Ty and deliver an overnight bag to Greg. Hospital transport, surgery, rehab decisions and what to do with a confused dad created some long, hard days. Greg was grateful for the time to be there as a support but being up close and personal to the situation wasn't easy.  The heartbreaking journey of watching both Dale and Carol lose more and more of themselves to chaotic brains working overtime to just pull the name of a son has taken a toll. Greg called, "I do not want this in our future. There has to be another way." And oh how I wish. I so want there to be a peaceful, graceful goodbye in place of this confusion and fear. Carol has been far more aware as she quietly loses pieces but Dale has been lost in large chunks so quickly. Both are brutal. And to lose them both this way is anything but fair. 

I'm not on Facebook but apparently I was still posted on Norton's page. My manager sent me a screenshot.

• I was recognized at work for above and beyond care of our patients. I was pretty overwhelmed by the surprise award and kept saying, "this patient was the impressive one. I was just doing my job." But my manager nominated me because his letter was one of several comments from patients and her observations. I'm humbled by the recognition. 

Erin's office threw her a going away party and we are all impressed with these gorgeous cupcakes. She says they were also delicious.

• Erin celebrated her final day with the University of Louisville. She has been serving patients with HIV through the school of infectious disease for the last several years but it was time to change roles. She will be running a clinic that manages disability claims for Veterans. She will miss so many of her patients but I suspect she will soon be smiling about some new ones too. 

• My friend Karen and her mom flew into town for a family wedding this final February weekend. I got to host them and Anne for dinner the last Friday of the month. It was delightful to laugh and talk and compare parenting notes together. I'm grateful for the time spent. 

January

I entered the new year drowning in congestion; my expectation of winter rest fulfilled. I slept through the first four days of the new year yet craved movement as the fog lifted. So I copied my friend Anne and ordered snow pants for warmer winter walks. Game changer. But while I slept, Greg, Makenna, Kate and Ty visited Greg's parents. The laughter from their road trip landed in my room upon their return. It is unanimous, the Baughman grandparents are far more entertaining with a little dementia. This sounds harsh, but it's so true. They have dropped their guard and have also apparently lost their filters too. Jaws were dropped and giggles escaped as Grandma popped off and Grandpa confessed to childhood shenanigans. Everyone loved their time together. The more serious side of the changes in both Dale and Carol means some tough decisions need to be made in the near future. Due to proximity, this has been predominantly shouldered by Greg's brother. We are navigating how to be more supportive without stepping on toes. So Greg and I slipped back up there a week later because I also needed to hug Kristin. Her accident gave us the perfect excuse to check back in on them so soon. Kristin is quite the team player. In all seriousness, she is recovering well and our visit opened the door to some additional communication between Greg and his brother. 

Due to illnesses in both of our homes, it took a few weeks but we got to keep Austin for an afternoon. Greg won the slot car track at work last month and couldn't wait to build it with our favorite human.

Erin resumed Soup Sundays. Having all my girls and their significant others gathered around bread and warm bowls makes my heart so happy. The stories shared often shock, usually entertain and sometimes make me wonder where the heck I was during their teen years. Somehow we have entered the age of unlimited confessions and I'm not sure I love it. They clearly like watching my face as they fess up to adolescent behaviors. I am somewhat grateful Ty decides to remain at home most Soup Sundays. He needs none of their dialogue. 

Excuse me, sir. Why does the guest bed look like we have actual guests sleeping here?

Ty reached out one morning about a teacher texting under the giant note he'd written on the board, "NO PHONES ALLOWED." Typically I see Ty as being about 99% his father's child. But then he surprises me. That observation is absolutely the kind of thing that amuses me. He knew who would appreciate the irony. 

We were having some feelings about the weather.

Greg lost his job on the 480th day of January. There simply are no words. However, the next morning, my first patient of the day told me his wife died thirteen months prior and I cried; the line between empathy and crazy clearly crossed. I excused myself and asked my manager for a moment. She met me with grace and sent me home to regroup. I'm grateful. I did not handle this particular blow well. I met it with childish demands of "enough already" for several days before pulling myself together. I didn't want to be strong, resilient or optimistic. I just want it to stop. But here we are, none the less. And once again, I am putting one exhausted foot in front of the other while analyzing our finances and trying to hold our family together.

Third grade is brutal, ya'll. However, she fully embraces the joy of it all. Here she is celebrating the 100th day of school with her work bestie.

My sweet friend, Kristil is moving to southern Indiana! I was able to join her on the final tour of her favorite houses and then introduce her to the area. In February, she will live within twenty-five minutes of me for the first time since 2006. 

My dad worked on a new shot for a few weeks. This one blew me away. Check out his blog, if so inclined. But seriously, how impressive is this?

My parents have been given the opportunity to serve the unhoused in their community every Thursday. Upon hearing about their new friends, I started knitting scarves for cold weather comfort. I hope they feel seen. I asked a fabric and yarn collecting friend for donations and she came through big time. Snowy weekends and quiet moments at work have been met with the click of my needles. Busy hands settle my noisy brain.

A winter storm rolled through most of the country. Grocery stores were cleared of all essentials and people once again lost their collective minds. I took a nap instead of joining the mayhem and Diesel fully approved, especially when I moved so he could get more cozy.

I used the guest room for calming breaths during a snow storm and watched a neighbor care for others as he cleared one driveway after another with his snowblower. It was a visual reminder that while it feels as if the world is imploding, there are still very decent humans on the planet making a difference.

The kids missed school the entire last week of January due to the weather. They all have makeup days coming in the spring. So far, our family has no complaints. Greg and Ty were cozy at home and I was miraculously scheduled around the severe weather, so my commute was no more challenging than usual. It was stupid cold, but the roads I traveled were clear.

All pets love snow days.

A breath prayer for this season:

Inhale: Hope can see in the dark.

Exhale: Give us eyes to see what is good.