May

I started the month focused on decluttering and recognizing areas needing overhauled, both spiritually and physically. I removed the bookcases from our living room and all the items they held. I washed Ryan's clothes and gently packed them away with his basket of keepsakes, out of sight. Quiet closure. I needed that. 

Excuse me, Frankie but I was working on something.

We had a little lizard visitor in the deck. These guys were occupied for hours.

If only they were resting instead of recharging.

We made it across the school year finish line, limping, but across none the less. Ty's freshman year, even on paper, was a disaster. He ended it medicated and in therapy. My frustration is off the charts with the system that leads to this end for more kids than not. I don't have answers but I know we aren't alone in questioning. Three more years... He and I are contemplating boxing as a stress reliever. It started as a joke but I'd kind of like to hit something.  

As he opened up about the tension he holds daily from hallway shoulder checks, public questioning regarding his schoolwork from teachers using AI to create and grade, social ramifications of being the quiet kid in the back and the blatant disrespect around him seven hours each day.....He is nothing but relieved to be finished. Three more years. Yep, he needs to punch something. His momma does too. 

Ty rolled his ankle while riding his ebike Memorial Day weekend and ended up in an air splint for support while it healed. His final four school days were pretty uncomfortable but he made it through; literally limping. We did not need a physical representation of this conclusion, but here we are, none the less. 

We ended the year holding both a Student of the Month award and an application for summer school to recoup credits lost. The contrast is quite visual as I placed them both on the fridge; one as a reminder to keep up with deadlines and the other to notice it wasn't a total loss. 

I attended the zoo field trip with my favorite first grader. I loved being the Mimi who observed little girls singing and holding hands while little boys scraped the top layer of dirt in a corner landscape bed and initiated games of tag. Waiting parents were either smiling and taking photos or scolding, "hands to yourself." First grade is amazing.

Post slushie belly.

Greg and I found ourselves on opposing schedules twice this month. The result was eight day stretches we didn't see each other awake. Intentional morning dates were scheduled to regroup after each.  In one, we wrestled a little more openly about the church as a whole and where we stand now that Westboro Baptist is the least of our disclaimers. We love Jesus but don't identify with much of what Christians stand for and against. I felt pretty alone in my wrestling until Greg dropped the incredible perspective, "we have battle tested faith." Whoa. That's it exactly. We have weathered the storms of life, big ugly ones and have felt the presence of the Lord with us each step of the way. Nothing about our journey has been tied in a pretty bow so we have never needed the rules in order to feel loved and saved by Christ. We have the faith we've earned losing a child in infancy, walking through cancer with a young adult daughter, job loss, serious injuries and miscarriages. So when we are told we aren't following some Western idea of a necessary rule in order to gain God's favor, we either laugh or roll our eyes. Well, I do those things. My handsome husband keeps his feelings far more in check. Thank God one of us is able to do so. 

Makenna received her diploma and wanted some photos to mark the achievement. Our girl is licensed in both elementary and special education. She has her eye on our local school district but is also exploring options in the surrounding area. Wherever she lands, there will be some pretty lucky kiddos in Miss Baughman's class. 

Our baby girl is twenty. We were scheduled to celebrate her alongside a delayed Mother's Day with my parents and sister on Kate's actual birthday. But instead, we woke to news of a devastating tornado wiping out their neighborhood. My parents live seven doors down from my sister's place. They need a roof and siding. They also have a tree that came down in sections across the road and their driveway. All in all, they faired very well. By contrast, Theresa's house is a total loss. They were due to close on the sale of that home the following week. The buyers had lost their house to a fire and were excited to find such a beautiful place. We are all grateful no one lived there when the deck was lifted from the pool and landed in what was the main bedroom. The roof shifted forward and the side walls bowed. Their neighbors were killed. All of the houses beyond Theresa's were completely destroyed. So we quietly gathered at Erin's for brunch and felt guilty for celebrating while so many were grieving. 

I have no idea what was said here but apparently Erin had some feelings.

Erin planned a candle painting activity for us. It was more difficult than expected but a lot of fun.

Riley was reluctant to paint with us again. At Christmas, we hurt his feelings when we ruined his creation by passing the painting every five minutes. We promised him we would not touch his candle. It appears Austin is not the only one we need to consider when choosing family activities. 😂

Erin's newest addition, Simba. He became a member of the family after showing up on their porch one morning. Erin asked Evan to hold him so she could safely leave for work. She returned home to find the kitten wrapped in blankets on an upholstered ottoman. Evan is a softy. Simba is absolutely adorable.

Austin charged off the field after his first game of the season declaring his team would be champions this year. We all chuckled at his innocence. But even he recognized the massive improvement over last year's adorable shenanigans full of dirt angels, fights over balls at first base, bases walked due to no hits and dandelion picking. This year, balls were literally knocked out of the park and these kids knew what they were doing in the outfield. Much to our surprise, his team won every game in the final tournament and walked away with "Superbowl rings." Austin bounced up and down, oozing excitement when the game was called in their favor. 

My boss worked out coverage for my evening shift so I could attend the final game. I am still stunned by her generosity and kindness. This smaller office is a much better fit for me.

Every year, my mom spends the night with us on her way to meet her aunt at the Indy 500. They've attended together for thirty-nine years. Due to all the tornado damage, we asked my dad to come along and get away from the debris and sadness enveloping their community. He declined because he gets to be in charge when my mom is away. He had his throne set up. He was ready to be the boss. 

He is a mess.

We enjoyed having my mom here and it was refreshing for her to get away from storm related chaos. Of course, we are our own brand of chaos, but the change in scenery didn't hurt. Some of the girls came to hang out with us. It was our first patio day around the smoker for the season. It was good for all of us. 

These two also crossed a finish line this month. They ran a 5k for the zoo and had such a good time, they are looking for additional races to run this summer.

Kate drove to Bloomington to surprise Anna for her 13th birthday. How on earth that little girl is now a teenager is absolutely beyond all of us. I swear it was just yesterday she called me, "She-ra" and wore lots of hair bows in her hair. Now she is captain of her dance team and carries herself with confidence. She is lovely.

Goodness I miss them. 

April

In Cantonese, there is a word that means "eat bitter." Eating something bitter is unpleasant; but having the ability to do so carries you into the next leg of your journey. Slowly chewing insures the nutrients add value to your life and the waste gets eliminated. This is how digestion works. In the spirit of seeing how to turn something bitter into something palatable, we can look at the tragedy of grief. If we take the time to fully process it, not rush through, but truly digest it for the season or seasons it takes to heal, we can absorb what is good for us and let go of what no longer serves us. All of life, whether good or bad, teaches us and helps mold us into our future selves. Who we become is often determined by how well we can tolerate eating the bitter. In reflection, I realize I use the term bittersweet often to describe life situations. The kids are independent and living their own lives. This is a perfect example. I'm so proud of who they are and yet still miss the simplicity of earlier days with them all gathered under my roof. It was then I was disillusioned enough to believe I was in control. You can laugh. I am laughing at me too. But motherhood was my goal from my earliest memories as a six year old tossing pennies into mall fountains wishing my baby dolls were real. As much as I know I was born to nurture and love, I also know how much it guts me at times. A few of our children experienced bitter situations this month. Sleep was lost, tears were shed and the process of grieving once again launched. 

A long distance friend recently shared a memory of me stating my head could explode but then I'd just have to clean it up. I don't recall the declaration but it does sound very much like me. Life has been hectic; some good, some not so good but productive and then not. I have napped and I have scrubbed so hard my shoulder needed medical attention. I wish I was exaggerating. I've kept up with yoga despite kitten shenanigans while I pose. Yoga is loud with laughter; as it should be. I had a physical, visited a therapist, deep cleaned several areas in the house, failed to see the results and wondered aloud why I spin my wheels. But the warmer weather has reintroduced me to my porch swing, garden centers and leisurely walks. Spring has sprung and ushered with it a spirit of renewal. 

Two of our children stretched me in new ways this month and neither experience was comfortable. Motherhood still surprises me thirty years later. Thank God I practice responding over reacting, or April could have been far more colorful. This mom is emotionally worn and exhausted.

I worked Easter Sunday this year and was thanked repeatedly by management and patients for doing so. In the end, I realized I didn't clean, shop or cook for a giant meal so I probably came out ahead. But Kate sent me pictures of her celebration with Riley's family and Lauren shared a snapshot of Austin's. Greg and Makenna meal prepped and worked out together after church. Easter was acknowledged; He is risen indeed.

Makenna sent me a reel of a young woman holding up her Easter basket declaring her mom would remain out of the home afterall. I quipped back, "but what if she wants to go?" I amuse only myself.

Greg and I slipped up to Dayton to check in on his parents and attend an open house after the funeral of a friend's father. Much to my delight, the day lined up with an author experience for Kristin, so I was able to surprise her with a brief appearance. I am still so dang proud of her.

I took Austin to see his first musical and he asked why they kept singing. The Addams Family at the local middle school was pretty cute. I was there to see Devyn, whom I babysat long before she was a stunning 8th grader owning the stage. Austin asked if she is always dramatic and both of her parents nodded affirmation. We slipped out during the standing ovation to buy ice cream and candy. Austin suggested we go to my house so his mom couldn't tell us no. 

I text this to Lauren who responded, "I am packing his bag. He stays with you tonight." 

Tying shoes as a leftie is tricky.

 

We explored the nature preserve at the end of the neighborhood. Ty lead the way since he is down there frequently. Austin found deer tracks and awesome walking sticks. It was a gorgeous afternoon.

Baseball season launched and our favorite player is as adorable as ever on the field. I love watching him from the stands where we have shockingly had to take cover from balls hit over the fence. (Austin has not hit them over the fence. He plays with kids who are already on travel teams in the first grade.) Shout out to Makenna for the snapshots. Mimi hasn't taken a camera out yet this year.