Unexpected Snow Day

Joy

I wondered, at one time, where Lauren learned to sing silly songs for Austin. And then Kate asked me about a few from her childhood, just before my Emmaus Walk. I had forgotten. As Greg healed and we lost babies, people often commented on my joy and how real it remained. Until it was no longer authentic. As Erin endured biopsy after biopsy and the world turned on its axis and children died of cancer, I stopped asking God for what I craved. I stopped asking for healing, miracles and "the yes".  I always expected Him to redeem whatever the outcome, but didn't go to him at the forefront because I didn't trust myself to accept the no. And over time, keeping God at a safe arms length away, I slowly stopped leaning on God and shouldered more and more of my world's burdens myself. And then. And then I heard a mother literally sing God's praises just five months after losing her son and I was confronted with the loss of joy. It was missing in my heart, even if most failed to notice. That was my Emmaus Walk takeaway. It was a powerful moment, followed by a very tearful release. All the tension over the last few years melted away and my heart was healed. I had the follow-up opportunity to literally lay things down at the foot of the cross and my need to control was left where it should have been all along. I'm weeks into what the Emmaus community calls, Day Four and I still have no desire to pick it back up. I'm too free without it. And those silly songs? Much to my son's dismay, they have returned. Kate just giggles, shocked her friends don't know any of them. It's because I made them up. I suppose we never know what our children are learning from us but silly songs should absolutely make the list.

Somewhat related, Ty yelled out the window at a lady hanging Christmas lights on her house this week, "it's not even Thanksgiving yet!". I was stunned he had the nerve and then shocked he cared. Apparently he gets it from his mother. To each their own, but the whole point of Christmas has nothing to do with Black Friday, Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday. I harbored anger for many years over the lies we tell ourselves about the meaning of Christmas. No one was willing to sacrifice their traditions to allow us the time we needed as a family when we had a baby in the NICU. In fact, the day I could have held my son for a bed change, I was instead meeting someone's Christmas demands. I should have firmly declined but didn't want to make waves. I still struggle to shut out the noise of the season and keep the focus where it belongs, but as a family, we are getting better at it. This year, there are no gifts being exchanged. A family has already been adopted and our gift budget is going toward a family trip to visit Lauren in Hawaii in the summer of 2024. The fact the kids all unanimously chose the time together over a traditional Christmas says they maybe, just maybe understand the birth of a baby savior requires different energy than the commercial mess we've made it. Or perhaps they all need therapy. It's often difficult to distinguish the difference.

Speaking of therapy........

He loved this. Diesel did too.

Halloween Week

Saturday, Greg and I slipped out for a movie (I know, it's weird.) We saw a predictable, cheesy show with George Clooney and Julia Roberts because we wanted to relax. We laughed several times and are glad we invested in the $5 matinee for a change in dating venue. Home Depot is probably worried about us.

Sunday, Erin visited and helped start a 1000 piece puzzle. There were cuss words. This was supposed to be fun.

My beautiful sister and her "mini" bernadoodle, Jasper. 

Monday was Halloween and school is probably a crap shoot until January. Holy sugar-coated kids, Batman. This was the first time in twenty seven years I didn't have a kiddo out begging for candy. It was odd but the pouring rain that hit moments after trick or treating started made me grateful, none the less. That same pouring rain reduced our beggar count from around 200 to about 30. This is both good news and bad news. I should have purchased candy I don't like. 

Tuesday was a long day. Not only was it a full work day but I had class immediately after school and then Bible study right after that. We also woke that morning to standing water in our kitchen. Apparently the inner part of our water heater broke. $1200 later, we have water where it's supposed to be again. Sigh.

According to our shelter paperwork, Wednesday was Diesel's first birthday. We had a little celebration for him. He wasn't as excited as we anticipated he would be, instead choosing one ball at a time. But he was informed this means he is no longer a baby and it's time to grow up. He isn't even entertaining the possibility.

Thursday evening, I ran Ty to the orthopedic urgent care for a wrist x-ray. After two days of pain and constant complaining, it was time to get it checked out. This was his first ever x-ray so I am calling it a win. I was certain this would be the child who would have me investigated by CPS when he was a fearless toddler and preschooler. He has significant swelling and pain but it isn't broken. As I said, it's a win.  He found the process so fascinating, it was almost worth the visit for the experience. Almost. But virtual reality games are apparently a larger risk to insurance deductibles than the Houdini antics of Ty's early years. 

This morning, I saw my audiologist and learned the tube is already falling out of my ear. I am not too worried about it since it has annoyed me the entire five months it's been there. However, the fluid build up was not welcomed either. Apparently I am difficult to appease. 

I was able to speak with my students from last year and invite them to join the yearbook club I am launching next week. It was a great afternoon wrapped in warm hugs and enthusiasm. I suspect we will need a larger workspace than I originally expected but it should be a learning opportunity for all of us. 

The Fourth Day

The truth is, she usually gives me a thumbs up before going back that I can send her dad. This time, she flipped me off. She is over it. Of course she knows me pretty well by now, so she revised her stance to be more mom-friendly. 

I think we should be able to use the HSA card to pay for post-op brunch at this point.

I spent the weekend being spoiled, loved, pushed emotionally and spiritually recharged. It was quite worthwhile but I was ready get home. Hours later, I was back out the door for Erin's latest and God willing, final surgery. She spent the night with us recovering and being well fed. We have this routine down. 

After our three day Emmaus Walk, we are released into the world for what the community calls, the fourth day. We are encouraged to take our spiritual renewal and example of unconditional love into the world. And whereas I was not called into additional areas of ministry, I am refreshed to better serve where I am already planted. 

One of the aspects of the weekend involves large, handmade meals. Due to my grain free diet, I had a lady catering exclusively to me. It was humbling, to say the least. This saint made me a personal dessert and large casserole dish of food for every meal. I would have never made most of it for myself. As result, I am not going to be wearing pants with buttons anytime soon. On the second night of being waited on, discouraged from picking up a plate or helping with anything, I realized how it must feel to be someone else living in my house. I'm just going to leave that thought right here. 

After this lengthy nap, I took him to pick Ty up from school. Much to my shock and surprise, he jumped out the window of the moving car to greet a dog on a leash in a neighbor's yard a street over. I was pretty angry. He was not only unharmed, but also unconcerned with my frustration and embarrassment.

Our family speaks loving and gentle words to one another.  

I missed a few days of work caring for Erin but was thrown right back into full swing with an evening event for our students and their families and also another four hours of homework for next week's class. The Fourth Day requires naps, I've determined. 

Emmaus Walks and Life

Greg was gone from Thursday evening through Sunday evening for his Emmaus Walk. I spent the time pushing to work ahead in my class so I could be gone the same days this coming weekend. The juggling of all.the.things made for an interesting week and half. Greg was gone literally just hours when we learned Erin requires another corrective surgery, Kate discovered she could not move without intense hip pain requiring an orthopedic surgeon consult, and Lauren would be losing her sweet dog, Chong to a brain tumor. There is literally no rest for the weary but I realized in the hard, sleepless night that followed, I cannot control what the world throws at our family, just how much emotional energy I can delegate to each situation. I'm still learning. Always learning how to manage the job of mothering with just enough grace to maintain some level of sanity; theirs and mine. 

So I bought flowers for myself at Trader Joe's ($3.99!) and indulged in both simple meals and peanut M&M's while I studied and ran countless errands. It was an odd, unsettling weekend. 

And then I attempted sweet Grandma Miller's Harvest Loaf with a grain free pumpkin bread mix I also located at Trader Joe's and was more than a little annoyed to discover one of my offspring helped himself to the entire package of chocolate chips. Despite the heist, the bread was a delicious breakfast on a very quiet Sunday morning. PS. Trader Joe's any closer to me would be dangerous. Good. But very dangerous.

Greg and I attempted to screw new, not broken lamps into the end tables. Much to our surprise, the wooden lamps had a metal base. So now we have unsecured lamps and holes in a table. I laugh while Greg sighs and we go on somewhat loving this uphill battle we've created ourselves. 

This is stupid.

And this is ridiculous.

Students returned Monday with some sweet hugs and "I missed you!" proclamations. They redeemed the otherwise stressful day. One little guy, after hearing his friends talk about Disney trips explained he can't go to Disney because his mom doesn't think it's real. This mom wins. Well done, mom. Well done. This absolutely tops me convincing my children only cool moms get the secret code to Chuck E. Cheese and I'm sorry they didn't get a cool mom.  My poor kids believe they have been robbed of a childhood. I have no guilt.

Our sweet grandson did not accept his dog's death well. He declared through heartbreaking tears, "heaven is closed." He sleeps with the collar and is trying to teach Remi how to give gentle kisses like Chong because he misses them. Rest easy, Chong. You were definitely one of the best. 

The week was intense with urgent care visits, doctor's appointments, full time jobs, classes and family life squeezed into the only four days Greg and I were both available between Emmaus Walks. I'm honestly looking forward to the phone-free portion of my weekend away. Someone else is on call and it's a welcomed retreat. God likely knew I needed this break in order to fully exhale. 

Someone was up playing just before three o'clock in the morning and was then tired when the rest of us had to go to school. Needless to say the chasing of the tail on my bed in the middle of the night didn't send me into my day feeling well rested while Diesel slept comfortably in his room. He feels no remorse. Ever.