Austin is One!

Jonah

My bible study group wrapped up a study on Jonah last week. Most of us failed to relate to the content as we consider ourselves more seasoned Christians who wouldn't dare deliberately turn their back on a direct calling from God. Bless our hearts. Because in the same breath we were also comfortable stating we knew we wouldn't be called into the mission field in a third world country because those people certainly don't deserve the likes of us with all our entitled mess in their lives. Ahem.

However in church the last few months, we have been working our way through a journey called Chaztown, pronounced "cazone" which always somehow makes me think of calzones and then I am hungry. But I digress. In that experience we are taking deliberate and measured steps to discern God's plan for our lives. From the very first week, I have felt like God will be using painful experiences from our past to lead us into the future. My righteous anger for hurting children and the grace I feel lead to extend to those who have caused the pain out of their own trauma and drug use are going to be used someday. Again. As Greg and I have prayed and considered the implications of where we believe this is heading, the only thing holding us back is fear. We know when we work with kids in pain and their families in trauma, our hearts will be broken. So, like Jonah we aren't thrilled with the way this will complicate our fairly comfortable and definitely routine lives but unlike Jonah, we aren't running away. We are; however, taking our time and slowly starting to investigate the ways He may use us in the lives of others. We are just starting to share our prayer request for clarity and discernment with those closest to us as we haven't wanted to create a calling that may not be ours and quietly hoping it might go away, if I am being honest. We trust God's timing and plan despite our reservations.

But as we learned when we were adopting Ryan and when Benjamin came to live with us, God calls and we answer even when common sense says perhaps we shouldn't. If only there was a way to protect our hearts in the process. In each of those stories, we were able to show love in the life of boys who weren't able at the time to know it anywhere else. If we can be a soft place to land, even temporarily I know we should but my mom heart also knows how Ryan and Benjamin impacted our kids in both positive and negative ways. So we pray. And learn and pray some more. We all grew through those experiences and grieved too. Life is messy and like Jonah, sometimes it is easier to board a boat for distant lands than face all this life throws our way.

Flu, Doctors and Boys

I have a general tolerance for sick kids of about 24 hours. Kate is well beyond that scope and as much as I love that child and she loves being with me, it is time for sister to be all better now. Please and thank you. Her surgical recovery went smoothly enough she has her heart set on tennis tryouts next week and resuming gymnastics next month. The Lord was with the surgeon on Thursday as Kate plead her case. Because if our active kiddo was told to rest one more time, I think we would have seen a very colorful side of our generally easy going Kate. And her mom may have shed tears. For real.

Her flu diagnosis on Monday was the absolute last thing she wanted and the shocking news she needed to miss a solid week of school to recover felt like a physical punch in the gut. I anticipate some hate mail from the middle school attendance office and rightfully so; two solid weeks off in three weeks is not good for anyone. But because no matter how miserable she feels, she still wants to "do something" all the time and resting is absolutely no longer on her radar or within her ability, sister needs to move and socialize and be away from her mom for a few hours. Amen.

Our adorable grandson celebrated his first birthday with his parents at an aquarium in Dallas checking out sharks Thursday. I think the kids found a beautiful way to have a low-key celebration that didn't overwhelm Austin. But how that sweet and happy boy is already one is beyond me as every moment of his birth is still fresh in my mind. I still feel such joy every video chat as he grins and expresses his growing personality. He is a delight and he is coming for a visit tomorrow! For one day of their ten day visit, we will all be together and I will be in my exhausted, chaotic happy place. This is the stuff. It really is.

Our son is in a precarious situation at school. Makenna now works as an aid in his building in addition to running the before and after school childcare program. As result, she is tough on kids when she needs to be and not all her little friends appreciate this about her. There have been some complaints to Ty and he has decided to distance himself from culpability. He is denying they are related and we are cracking up. This solidifies my decision to wait another year before going to work in that building myself. I would love to serve alongside the teachers who have done so much for our kids but think Ty needs to have moved onto the middle school before he has another strong personality in his space. Because as it turns out, I can be pretty tough on kids who don't like to follow rules too.

Snowstorms, Space Jam, Private Islands and Flu

It was a long week full of surprises, angst and so many "can we move to a private island" thoughts. Two days this week we sent Kate to school when threats against safety were made. Whereas she understood our perspective she was safer the days someone had officials on high alert than the rest of the year, in true thirteen year old fashion, she worried about the social implications of sitting in class without her friends whose parents made a different decision for their families.

On top of the physical threats at her school, a local parent shared information about online hackers scaring kids through YouTube. Ty hasn't had access to any electronic devices in a month but something made me ask him about it. Not only had he seen the now famous MooMoo, it had terrified him and left him bewildered as to how that character interrupted the video he was permitted to watch all those weeks ago. As he talked, he had tears pooled in his eyes because he was simultaneously afraid and relieved. We have taken the opportunity to discuss safety. Whereas MooMoo isn't real and cannot hurt him as the threat stated, there are plenty of actual bad guys on the internet and in the world who can. He now understands that keeping the secret is what kept him in fear and that anyone who asks him to keep a secret from us, is someone who can hurt him. No parent wants to scare their kids but given he was already afraid,  we used the moment as a life lesson.

Kate started running a fever Friday and earned herself another day off school after missing the previous week for surgical recovery. At this point, I anticipate some hate mail from her attendance office but I am fairly certain she has the flu. She has been pretty miserable this weekend with both leg pain and flu symptoms. I have started coughing with a constant tickle in my throat and every time I cough, Kate's far more serious sounding cough echoes and I tease, "pipe down, Kate". She loves this, or so I tell myself.

Our living room was littered with cozy blankets while Space Jam played on TV and a fire roared in the fireplace. Ty had never seen the movie and loved it as much as his sisters did years ago. Snow is gently falling despite us willing it away; however a quiet day at home may be just what doctor mom ordered. We have rested and are hopefully restored for the upcoming week full of appointments with surgeons, a long distance first birthday celebration and preparing for an extra special visitor next weekend. Hint: he is my favorite little person.

Austin made a new little girlfriend at the daycare in his mommy's gym. It appears to be pretty serious as he allowed her to use his burp cloth comfort item and giggled every time someone asked him about her. To say this baby amuses us, would be an understatement. To think he turns a year old this week is shocking though. Time flies when you are having fun and we have never had quite this much fun. He is absolute joy.

Respond vs. React

Yesterday, just moments after Kate boarded her bus to school, I received a call from her superintendent informing me a threat had been made against the school. Steps were made to insure the school was safe and law enforcement was on the scene further assuring the safety of all students. We are a part of a large corporation and I know without question, if there was any concern whatsoever the threat was real, school would have been cancelled. The call was simply a courtesy. My initial knee-jerk reaction was to get in the car and follow the bus to school to get my kid. Fortunately, I have been hard at work these last two years on a life mantra called "respond not react". I am two years into the journey and have a long way to go but knew I needed to reign in my overly emotional reaction to life. I am by no stretch of the imagination to a place where I don't still have  reactionary thoughts first.

I no sooner hung up the phone from the automated call before I received a text from Kate on the bus. Other parents were calling their kids. They were following the bus and retrieving their children and Kate was scared. Of course she was. As gut wrenching as it was, I had to explain to her that day would be the safest day of the year for her because it would be flooded with law enforcement (and it was), all staff would be on high alert (and they were) and sadly, real threats aren't warned about ahead of time. It broke my heart to have that exchange via text message when she was pleading to be picked up.

As the day progressed, 500 of her classmates were picked up from school. Parents were understandably frightened. I was too because this event just affirmed what we already know. The world is not always a safe place and bad things do happen. Kate expressed the teachers weren't following lesson plans with such low attendance so she wasn't learning anything and again begged to go home. Her friends weren't there to help process all she was feeling so I suggested she sketch or talk with a teacher she is particularly close to about her thoughts. She was irritated but I firmly believe the lesson she was learning wasn't on any one's lesson plans that day. We will constantly face a life full of scary things. We have a decision to make. Will that fear prevent us from living fully or will we rise above? I have faith Kate came out of this situation stronger for it.

By lunch, the young woman responsible for the threat was arrested. Kate knew her well in third grade but wasn't surprised to learn who it was so in addition to unpacking all she learned that day, she then needed to process how a young girl could make such an error in judgment. She was pretty critical until I shared some of the things I have learned both from my own adolescent years and from wearing out the tread on my parenting of teens' shoes. Kids are kids. Their brains simply aren't yet capable of processing the impact their decisions have on others. As devastated as her parents are, she likely cannot see what pain she has caused. Nor does she understand the full impact her actions had on an entire community.

Kate and I talked through all the ways parents are ill prepared to keep up with all that threatens the safety and well being of their children and how we have to rely on our faith to keep us sane(ish) throughout this parenting season. She now understands a little more about how we like to point fingers and place blame in tragic moments because it somehow sends our hearts the message that a specific horrible thing can't happen to us. Here's the deal. It most certainly can. So I can take my kids' phones and read their messages and I can monitor their social media accounts but I cannot prevent them from having secret accounts nor can I prevent them from spending time with kids a little more bent on getting into trouble. What I can do is prioritize time spent listening to them, engaging in deeper conversations and allowing them to experience uncomfortable situations to later discuss how she felt in the moment and how it feels to be in a place of reflection.

I do not know the family of the child responsible but I am heartbroken for them. No parent thinks this could happen to them and 95% of us are just doing the best we know to do for our children so I pray our community will withhold judgment and condemnation. Because even minor infractions of our children that become public can make most of us feel like we have failed.

Saturday

I am not brave

When I pray, I take the safe route. I ask God's will and for strength to endure. I am always braced for the worst, if I am being honest. And it has taken me years to discover about myself. I hear others boldly ask God for miracles and a voice in the back of my head rolls her eyes because babies die, people are hurt and life isn't fair. How audacious is it for me to ask anything different?

So when we discovered Kate had a tumor, I was afraid. When they promised it was benign, I exhaled but the entire time has been in her body I worried and as we anticipated final pathology, I was concerned once again.

Friday Kate had outpatient surgery to remove the tumor and I was afraid to pray. In my heart of hearts, I feared that on National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day, we would hear our world was crashing like so many other parents do. I left the praying to others and instead counted blessings and focused on anything but the heaviest part of my heart. This avoidance earning me a massive headache. Again. I suppose forty five might be the age I finally analyze why I process life the way I do.

Kate was pain free and happy immediately after surgery thanks to the numbing medication used at the surgical site. However, at bedtime that wore off and the carefree Kate who actually requested a trip to Target as soon as we were home from the hospital (request denied) had a rough night. But in typical Kate fashion, she woke no one and endured quietly. Just before five Saturday morning, I checked on her and spent the next few hours sitting in her bed with tea watching Friends and waiting on medicine to kick in.

She grew increasingly more antsy as she was eager to resume life as normal so she planned to return to school today. By the time she was ready to go, it was clear she actually wasn't so we took another day to recover. Running a few errands gave us a glimpse into how she would navigate middle school hallways and a full schedule. She seems like she might be prepared to return tomorrow since the surgery was much less invasive than originally anticipated. And today, we got the final call. Pathology confirmed the tumor was in fact benign. We are grateful.

Counting Blessings

Monday was not an easy day to be the mom in my house. As result, it wasn't much fun to be a kid around here either. Attitudes needed adjusted and for the first time in a long, long time mine wasn't top of the list. So in counting my blessings and giving thanks on the most trying of days, I praise Him for fresh starts; new beginnings. Apologies and lessons learned. The weight of my son's head on my lap during bedtime reading as he sought restoration and the running of my fingers through his hair as I calmed my spirit; the soothing of my soul after a frenzied day. God is good. Especially on the hard days.

We revisited spiritual gifts surveys at church this week and that on top of our class a few weeks ago has me suspicious God is up to something in our life. As I shared the direction I fear we are being called, Greg did not cower in a corner so we'll see where He leads us. Perhaps it won't involve kicking and screaming but time will tell.

The results of having all electronic devices banned until further notice has yielded only positive results. The decision to reintroduce his coveted favorites will not be easy as he is exploring new skills, creatively playing and reading more. A settled spirit being the most obvious change. I stand firm in my belief the impact of electronics on the developing brain is far more negative than we acknowledge. The battle is great as even the school insists he needs daily log-in.

On Saturday, our anxious Kate requested a day out together. Makenna and Noah joined us as we walked through the shops downtown and then enjoyed a sweet snack with tea at Panera, one of her favorites. I wish we'd taken the first available surgery date for her peace of mind but needed time to make arrangements for the remaining family.

Greg left this morning for Michigan and Kate had youth group after church so I stole away for a lunch date with my little man who has his eye on his dad's side of the bed tonight. He believes he is sweetening the deal with promises of a Lego movie on Netflix. Not only is he stealthily seeking electronic entertainment, but Lego movies aren't exactly my jam. But given the brutal case of insomnia that has had me awake since midnight, it won't take much for me cave.

Lauren had 14 inches cut off her hair this week and the results are so cute! Her little man turned 11 months old and that reality is shocking. Time flies when you are having fun they say and I cannot recall a season that has been more fun to observe. This baby literally has my heart.